I am now the only original remaining Funny Girl from day one back in 1994. I am to Funnies what Ken Barlow is to Corrie, and you will be pleased to hear (I hope) that I have no intentions of going anywhere. I've already had it written into my future contract that Basil will go half on the Botox and fund all future facelifts, although they're a long way off yet!! (careful, I can hear you!)
The ever lovely Zoe, or DJ Zoe as some like to call me
Depends on which heels I’m wearing, about 5’12”
If it’s Jimmy Choo or Christian Laboutin anything between a size 3 and 12
Depends on what mood I’m in, but mainly stunning blonde
You tell me when you gaze into them
Pyrex . . . I was a test tube baby
Milk chocolate brown
The Chocolate Solider (1908) music by Oscar Strauss. Look it up if you don’t believe me !!
Dawn French, we both have a liking for the same thing
Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory (both of them)
Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump, when he said ‘Life is like a box of chocolates’
Errol Brown, lead singer with Hot Chocolate
Loose Women (... is sponsored by ...)
Sweet like chocolate
Do they do chocolate flavoured wine ?
Chocolate Bible - It does exist, I have a copy
Being kept waiting, really winds me up (you probably think they are bringing you chocolate. . . ed) Tomatoes, Katie Price
Last night I dreamt...
I don’t dream, I just pass out for a few hours
Oh for the gift that God could give us, to see ourselves as others see us(thought provoking that one) Or ... You never get a second chance to make a first impression
Where else have you worked
Nowhere, daddy Newby brought me from the orphanage when I was 6 years old and I have worked for ITP ever since
Something about yourself
I was born with a hare lip but had an operation to correct it when I was only an hour old. If you look close just under my left nostril, you can see the scar.
(but its covered in chocolate most time !! . . . ed)
Well, hello again Zoe fans. I've been asked by the powers that be to do another little write up to keep you updated as to what's going on in my life...plenty!
Always kept busy entertaining our lovely audiences at FG's year in year out, I can't believe we have been going so long and it still gets better and better. I am now the only original remaining Funny Girl from day one back in 1994. I am to FG's what Ken Barlow is to Corri, and you will be pleased (I hope) to hear I have no intentions of going anywhere. I have already had it written into my future contract that Basil will go half on the Botox and fund all future facelifts, although they will be a long way off yet!! (Careful, I can hear you!)
It is always nice when punters...oops, customers say, 'we remember you from the old Queen Street venue and you look younger now than you did then, how do you do it'? I tell them I have a portrait of Dorien Green in the attic. Sorry, not Dorien Green, that was the old slapper in Birds of a Feather, I mean Dorian Gray. And of course I am a trend setter among the legion of Zoe fans so I always try to look my best, new frocks, new hair do's. I bought a new wig recently made entirely from bum hair, only thing is the bloody thing keeps blowing off.
Lots ask what is my secret of eternal youth....wine and sex, either order, doesn't matter, not with the husband either, been there, done that, got the certificate from the Priory. He says I never do anything to take his breath away anymore, I emptied all his inhalers, that should do the trick.
I got stopped by the police in the early hours and asked where I was going, I told them I was going to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol on the human body, copper said who is going to be giving a lecture at this time of night? I said the F-ing Husband.
Amber once asked me if I ever looked into my husbands eyes when I have sex. I said I did once and he looked really angry. Why angry? She asked. I said because he was watching from the window.
My husband said that after years of being married to me, he has finally found out what makes me happy.......f*ck all! He walked into the bedroom the other night and said 'Tonight I'm going to make you the happiest woman alive'. I said 'and who is going to help you pack at this time of night?'
We were watching football on TV and during half time he was flicking through the channels when he came across a porn film with a man pounding a woman long and hard, he said 'I don't know whether to watch this or the game' I said for heavens sake, watch this, you already know how to play football.
Married sex is like the National Lottery...same old balls, no chance of a 69 and after 20 seconds it all ends in a bloody rollover.
I'm still doing my bit for charity too, I thought I would help the Salvation Army soup kitchen, they got all huffy with me at the end of the night, all I said was 'Come on, some of us have homes to go to'. I saw a prostitute there with no arms, I asked her if it affected her work in any way. She said she couldn't give a toss.
Anyway Zoe lovers, enjoy the rest of the Funny Girls webpage, I have to go visit a sick friend in hospital, she has been diagnosed with 'Budgie Flu', it's not as bad as Swine Flu cos it's tweetable!
Oh, and one last thing, a warning...if you get an email titled 'nude photo of Susan Boyle' Do not open it - it contains a nude photo of Susan Boyle.
Love Zoe xxx
I went on holiday recently, I phoned easyjet to book a flight and said 'I want to book a flight to Alicante', the operator said 'how many people will you be flying with?', I said 'How should I know, It's your bloody plane'
I walked through the metal detector at the airport, with no trouble at all. I suppose then saying 'well I guess they call them plastic explosives for a reason', wasn't my smartest move.
If you can't afford the time to go to the doctors,just visit the airport.You get an X-ray and breast exam and if you mention Al-Qaeda, you'll get a colonoscopy too!
Why spend millions on hi tech 'full body' scanners at every airport? Surely it would be cheaper to just have a hostess at check-in, handing out bacon on cocktail sticks. Anyone who doesn't eat it doesn't fly. Simple. Gets rid of the fuckin' vegetarians into the bargain.
When we were flying the Captain came on the tannoy with the usual, how high we were flying, what time we would land etc, then forgot to turn the tannoy off. He said to the co-pilot, unaware that all the passengers could hear, 'right I'm off for a shit then I'm going to take that new blonde stewardess into the galley and give her a good stiff shagging from behind'.
You could see the horror on the stewardesses face as she raced up the aisle to the cockpit to warn the captain about the tannoy. Just as she got to the front of the plane, a little old lady stood up and said to the stewardess, 'no need to rush love, he's going for a shit first'.
The in flight movie was 'Die Hard II'. It's so unrealistic....I mean, a plane landing on a snowy airport?
Shortly after landing, the air hostess made an announcement over the speaker system saying, 'Those who need wheelchair assistance, please remain seated.' 'Hmm', I thought, 'don't suppose they have much of a choice'!
Had a great holiday but when I came back my husband met me at the airport and said, 'Hey, why the long face. Look at that couple over there, kissing and cuddling' I said, 'That's cos he's dropping her off, not picking her up!'