Zoe's Profile Page

Well, hello again Zoe fans. I've been asked by the powers that be to do another little write up to keep you updated as to what's going on in my life...plenty! Always kept busy entertaining our lovely audiences at FG's year in year out, I can't believe we have been going so long and it still gets better and better. I am now the only original remaining Funny Girl from day one back in 1994. I am to FG's what Ken Barlow is to Corri, and you will be pleased (I hope) to hear I have no intentions of going anywhere. I have already had it written into my future contract that Basil will go half on the Botox and fund all future facelifts, although they will be a long way off yet!! (Careful, I can hear you!)

It is always nice when punters...oops, customers say, 'we remember you from the old Queen Street venue and you look younger now than you did then, how do you do it'? I tell them I have a portrait of Dorien Green in the attic. Sorry, not Dorien Green, that was the old slapper in Birds of a Feather, I mean Dorian Gray. And of course I am a trend setter among the legion of Zoe fans so I always try to look my best, new frocks, new hair do's. I bought a new wig recently made entirely from bum hair, only thing is the bloody thing keeps blowing off.

Lots ask what is my secret of eternal youth....wine and sex, either order, doesn't matter, not with the husband either, been there, done that, got the certificate from the Priory. He says I never do anything to take his breath away anymore, I emptied all his inhalers, that should do the trick.

I got stopped by the police in the early hours and asked where I was going, I told them I was going to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol on the human body, copper said who is going to be giving a lecture at this time of night? I said the F-ing Husband.

Amber once asked me if I ever looked into my husbands eyes when I have sex. I said I did once and he looked really angry. Why angry? She asked. I said because he was watching from the window.

My husband said that after years of being married to me, he has finally found out what makes me happy.......f*ck all!
He walked into the bedroom the other night and said 'Tonight I'm going to make you the happiest woman alive'. I said 'and who is going to help you pack at this time of night?'

We were watching football on TV and during half time he was flicking through the channels when he came across a porn film with a man pounding a woman long and hard, he said 'I don't know whether to watch this or the game' I said for heavens sake, watch this, you already know how to play football.
Married sex is like the National Lottery...same old balls, no chance of a 69 and after 20 seconds it all ends in a bloody rollover.

I'm still doing my bit for charity too, I thought I would help the Salvation Army soup kitchen, they got all huffy with me at the end of the night, all I said was 'Come on, some of us have homes to go to'. I saw a prostitute there with no arms, I asked her if it affected her work in any way. She said she couldn't give a toss.

Anyway Zoe lovers, enjoy the rest of the Funny Girls webpage, I have to go visit a sick friend in hospital, she has been diagnosed with 'Budgie Flu', it's not as bad as Swine Flu cos it's tweetable!

Don't forget to join me on my Facebook and check my profile page on here.

Oh, and one last thing, a warning...if you get an email titled 'nude photo of Susan Boyle' Do not open it.
It contains a nude photo of Susan Boyle.

See Ya.

Love Zoe xxx